When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
Jesus wept.
i'm disappointed.
i saw what could be and i can't unsee.
i wish and i long for.
i see Lazarus. dead.
the scriptures bounce in my head.
have joy in all circumstances...
but there is a season for everything?
but most importantly.... in my disappointment, did i just disappoint You?
pause.
why do i always write about sad things?
a sad soul perhaps that found true joy.
but i just can't help but see.
focus on the positive...focus.
but i see.
all around me.
i have such joy yes. oh yes.
but,
i still see the pain.
my soul feels it.
i can't ignore the hopeless expression of the lady that passes by
or the pain on the face of kid who just got hurt
and not the fall down kind of pain
but the pain from those words camouflaged by jokes and sarcasm that just is spit.
by that other kid who is also hurting
he uses words as arrows trying to ease his own pain
and when they wanted to run only a marathon and someone had other agendas
bombs. miscarriages. broken hearts.
it's like we got it "almost"
and so it goes.
i feel her insecurity...sometimes i see it on her arm..
i so notice his sadness.
acting like it doesn't hurt.
and so i see all this.
and yet..
i have this joy that i can't describe, and it's surreal, and i guess it shouldn't be.. but that's the miraculous thing about this JOY is that. it is.
it shouldn't be, but it was, and is, and is to come.
and i know Who is comes from.
But pain is still everywhere. and sometimes i wonder if Christians pretend not to notice because they think that's where true joy is found? in just not seeing, only noticing what's right.
not acknowledging.
and maybe that's the way - and this post is just my ramblings...
in that case, ignore.
but..
i question that. because i can't help but see.
i see what could be and what shouldn't be.
must i train my heart differently?
i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, (where?) down in my heart.... and yet there still is a deep longing that something just still isn't right. there's pain here.
what do i do with it?
why do i fake it?
act like it doesn't exist?
i have found such true joy in the savior that i have no need to fake it.
joy flows out of everything now because He is in me and i in Him.
joy completely fills me.
so i have come to this.
i am who i am.
i have anxiety and pain but it doesn't define me.
i acknowledge it not to give it power over me...but to point out what shouldn't be, and someday won't be, and to point to what will be.
i have joy because i am filled with the One who is joy.
Who is love.
i don't fake my emotions because they are real.
i don't fake my joy because that is real.
seems contradicting perhaps?
but i remember that "jesus wept."
he wasn't afraid to see the pain, the disappointment in this world.
there was no fake happiness there.
He wept.
He saw.
He felt.
He had joy.
Not a superficial joy that has no hope of lasting.
i am turning to look at what jesus did with that disappointment, that pain.
he saw it for what it was.
he met the people right where they were.
even though the enemy tried to count it as a win.
there was no win.
there was a victory, yes.
our savior came. he saw. he affirmed. he wept. he communed. he befriended. he saw the disappointment and he healed it.
and lazarus woke up.
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