dissapointment and all it's glories

John 11

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

Jesus wept.

i'm disappointed.


i saw what could be and i can't unsee.

i wish and i long for.

i see Lazarus. dead.


the scriptures bounce in my head.


have joy in all circumstances...

but there is a season for everything?


but most importantly.... in my disappointment, did i just disappoint You?


pause.


why do i always write about sad things?

a sad soul perhaps that found true joy.

but i just can't help but see.

focus on the positive...focus.

but i see. 

all around me.

i have such joy yes. oh yes.

but,

i still see the pain.

my soul feels it.

i can't ignore the hopeless expression of the lady that passes by

or the pain on the face of kid who just got hurt

             and not the fall down kind of pain

             but the pain from those words camouflaged by jokes and sarcasm that just is spit.

by that other kid who is also hurting

             he uses words as arrows trying to ease his own pain

and when they wanted to run only a marathon and someone had other agendas

bombs. miscarriages. broken hearts.

it's like we got it "almost"

and so it goes.

i feel her insecurity...sometimes i see it on her arm..

i so notice his sadness.

acting like it doesn't hurt.


and so i see all this.


and yet..

 i have this joy that i can't describe, and it's surreal, and i guess it shouldn't be.. but that's the miraculous thing about this JOY is that. it is.

it shouldn't be, but it was, and is, and is to come.


and i know Who is comes from.


But pain is still everywhere. and sometimes i wonder if Christians pretend not to notice because they think that's where true joy is found? in just not seeing, only noticing what's right.

not acknowledging.

and maybe that's the way - and this post is just my ramblings...

in that case, ignore.

but..


i question that. because i can't help but see. 


i see what could be and what shouldn't be. 


must i train my heart differently?


i've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, (where?) down in my heart.... and yet there still is a deep longing that something just still isn't right. there's pain here.


what do i do with it?


why do i fake it?

act like it doesn't exist?



i have found such true joy in the savior that i have no need to fake it.

joy flows out of everything now because He is in me and i in Him.

joy completely fills me.


so i have come to this.


i am who i am.

i have anxiety and pain but it doesn't define me.


i acknowledge it not to give it power over me...but to point out what shouldn't be, and someday won't be, and to point to what will be. 

i have joy because i am filled with the One who is joy.

Who is love.



i don't fake my emotions because they are real.

i don't fake my joy because that is real.

seems contradicting perhaps?



but i remember that "jesus wept."

he wasn't afraid to see the pain, the disappointment in this world.

there was no fake happiness there.

He wept.

He saw.

He felt.

He had joy.


Not a superficial joy that has no hope of lasting.



i am turning to look at what jesus did with that disappointment, that pain.

he saw it for what it was.

he met the people right where they were.

even though the enemy tried to count it as a win.

there was no win.

there was a victory, yes.

our savior came. he saw. he affirmed. he wept. he communed. he befriended. he saw the disappointment and he healed it.

and lazarus woke up.

the same.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

such truth packed in one brief little sentence.

again, truth is here. the only truth i need baby!!

so to my one year old self

teething..

Jesus was there.

the same as He is

when I was fifteen slamming the door

figuring my place in the world.

when i was picked last. Jesus picked me first - his opinion of me never changes.

The same Jesus comforted me when I was 8 having a panic attack on a swing.

not able to see what He clearly could but He never looks down on me.

He's the same, good God.

And His constant presence lingers i feel alone and when I feel like i have it all under control.

He sees the world through eyes of wisdom that will never change.

Jesus was. Jesus is. and Jesus continues to be now.

any my mind can't comprehend and i don't care!

what a beautiful truth - i can just rest.

rest that there is a God who doesn't play games. isn't interesting in tricking.

But He's the God who IS all about healing. comforting. protecting.

and He will never stop doing that. Nor has He ever stopped.

i'm sitting on the hand on He who is greater than me - He was with me when I am self centered, He is no more loving and comforting when i'm good, He knew that you be here, He appointed our days, He knows what was, what is, what is to come,

He's protecter. He's defender. He's the reason. He's the same.

The world shifts and changes. Fads come and go.

Jesus stands and has stood.

Firm. Constant. Unchanging. Unwavering.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

hebrews 13:8

the point.

there's a point that i have come to wonder if it exists.

does it? or is this just imagined

created because we live to create things?

but at this point, wonderings begin

small at first, but there.

present.

am i the only one?

why is this life not being all that so many people have promised time and time again?

where is the wonder i used to have from it?

does no one feel this?

where is the simplicity that seemed to just flow?

does no one feel this?

when dreams were alive, attainable even
this earth was everything. a simple sonata in seemingly perfect rhythm
thoughts were simple
days unrushed
hearts without stain
and barely filled

what happened?

does no one feel this?

did something go wrong?
is that innocence lost?
stolen?
how can it be?

joy snatched away from some goblin
my mind scatters out

but where is my love for this earth?
in the way i have seen so many other people do?
have.

this planet.

these people. 

they no longer seem to satisfy.

and my thoughts are no longer simple.

this doesn't fill me.

dare i let that slip from my mouth?

dare i say that?

this. doesn't. fill. me.

point.

it drains me.

i put the blame on them.
how dare others take this feeling away.
this perfect peace.
this perfect piece.

no.

they speak to me.

i am just different.

they say.

i am just different.

am i just different?

is it my contentment that has shifted?

this no longer satisfies.

                    this world and this,

brokenness

and i think,

that this point may exist.

a point in which this world no longer
accepts me,
creates me,
makes me,
loves me,
                      fills me.

this newfound point in which i no longer find my deep value in the these symphonies i once dreamed about.

                      because.

this point makes me realize.

this world was never meant to
accept me,
create me,
make me,
love me,
                      fill me.

oh but it was created for us, yes.

oh yes,

now maybe i have it.

maybe i like this point. 

am i feeling again?

Peace comes.

I was created.

Peace comes.

yes... created. 

now there is something different. 

and for more than just this earth and its so-called joys and pleasures and hiddly dumb dumb.. 

they don't make the cut anymore.

am i just different? 

but they tell me i finally have achieved and accomplished...

but i do not feel happier
i don't have peace. i entertain this fake peace. these fake songs.
living life with them like they're my best friends.

point. 

our own accomplishments don't make us feel accomplished. 

But yet we strive and we press on hoping that
more 
and
better
will fill us, make us.

am i just different?

no.

i can't stand it.

finally

i can't.

i can't even stand. 

so i'm on my knees.

i've tried so hard. 

now this is a new view. 

this is a new point. 

im not by them anymore. 

im not pretending. 

realization comes in the softest way....

brokenness 

will not, cannot, does not.

satisfy.

am i just different? 

no. and on my knees and at this point.

i finally

turn to the

One

who

does.

the psalm of the season.

Psalm 107

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever.

2 Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—
    those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
3 those he gathered from the lands,
    from east and west, from north and south.

4 Some wandered in desert wastelands,
    finding no way to a city where they could settle.
5 They were hungry and thirsty,
    and their lives ebbed away.
6 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
7 He led them by a straight way
    to a city where they could settle.
8 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
9 for he satisfies the thirsty
    and fills the hungry with good things.

10 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
    prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 because they rebelled against God’s commands
    and despised the plans of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
    they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
    and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
    and cuts through bars of iron.

17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
    and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
    and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
    he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
    and tell of his works with songs of joy.

23 Some went out on the sea in ships;
    they were merchants on the mighty waters.
24 They saw the works of the Lord,
    his wonderful deeds in the deep.
25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
    that lifted high the waves.
26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
    in their peril their courage melted away.
27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
    they were at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he brought them out of their distress.
29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
    the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.
31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
    and praise him in the council of the elders.

33 He turned rivers into a desert,
    flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste,
    because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water
    and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live,
    and they founded a city where they could settle.
37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards
    that yielded a fruitful harvest;
38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
    and he did not let their herds diminish.

39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
    by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
40 he who pours contempt on nobles
    made them wander in a trackless waste.
41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
    and increased their families like flocks.
42 The upright see and rejoice,
    but all the wicked shut their mouths.

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
    and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.

coming soon.

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